Enough's enough. Everyone else has a book deal and I want one too, whether I deserve it or not.
I have therefore put together the following letter and propose sending it to everyone in The Writer's Handbook 2006, even the small zoological publishing house outside Crewe.
_______
Monkey Towers
The More Salubrious Part of Brixton
London
SW2
Dear Agent(s) and/or Publisher(s)
Today I offer you what can only be described as an opportunity of a lifetime: one that will make us all rich, and me famous in a way I will pretend I do not enjoy.
Before I go on, might I suggest you get a glass of cool white wine (medium-sweet, if you can), and a bowl of better-quality cheese-based snacks (Roka Crispies, for example) by your elbow? I want you comfortable, relaxed, and open to new and groundbreaking ideas.
Background: From Blog To Book
I have become aware of late that it is possible to obtain a publishing contract by writing a “Weblog”. In order so to do, it is helpful if your “Weblog” (also known as “blog”), fulfils at least one of the following criteria:
1. Saucy
2. A bit cheeky, leading to loss of employment
3. Useful and informative
4. Interesting enough to lead to interviews on BBC Radio 4
5. Not about much, but well written and/or amusing.
(Please note: in some cases it has been possible to combine, for example, (1) and (3), or (2) and (4) – rare, but impressive.)
What I propose is something new. Something that will break new ground and force reappraisal of the entire blog-to-book genre.
My Idea
I propose making a book out of a blog that is about nothing at all. The book will, therefore, also be about nothing at all.
In addition to and on top of that, I suggest that this book – reflecting the content of the blog that will spawn it (i.e., my blog), will completely fail to meet any of the criteria usually required in order to qualify a blog as book-worthy.
Why My Idea Is Good
My idea is good because it is different. People of all ages, sizes, colours and creeds are fed up with well-written, interesting blogs that have become books. They are hungry for change; change they do not even know they want.
What My Blog Is About
NOT MUCH! And that is why it is great. (Also, it is not particularly interesting or well-written.)
What My Book Could Be About
Like my blog, it could be about not much. And that is why it could be a genre-subverting masterpiece. A book about writing a blog about a life in which NOT MUCH HAPPENS, including genuine behind-the-blog insights and stories about what was really happening. (Not much, as it happens, but it’s a nice “extra’ for the marketing people.)
Example Scenarios
• A plague of squirrels
• A Canadian pathologist who cuts his own hair
• Chewing-gum in my ladygarden (for the second time)
• Pimping my Micra
• Beaver(s)
• Unfeasibly large Classical cock
• A museum of Cat
• A beautician sweats in my mouth
• Some dioramas and some strange facial hair
And many more!
Why Me?
My weblog (www.non-workingmonkey.blogspot.com) is indeed, as I have hinted, about not much. Also, there is enough content there already for me to cobble something together in a month or two, meaning we could get this baby out in time for the crucial Christmas Market.
In practical terms, the fact of my non-workingness also means that I am available to meet any (or all) of you in the Top London (or New York!) Eaterie at any time to discuss my idea in further detail.
What Should The Book Be Called?
I think the book should be called “The Year That Not Much Happened.”
Film Rights
I will be happy for you to sell these as long as Clive Owen (with a brain) is cast in the role of ‘Unfeasibly Large Classical Cock”, and a stunt double is used for the episode featuring “Chewing-gum in my ladygarden (for the second time).”
I very much look forward to hearing from you and trust that you, like me, are able to see the artistic and commercial potential in this new and ground-breaking idea.
Yours faithfully
Non-workingmonkey
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27 comments:
Only so long as I can have one too
About what, UCL? What is this comment FOR? What is is ABOUT?
I think you should demand a big Winnebago too, and right of refusal over the stunt double, just incase they pick the wrong type of monkey, e.g an industrious one.
And can my wee cameo part be played by Emma Thomson please?
I can see no flaw in your excellent plan. The only way it could possibly not lead to success on a massive and financial scale would be if the publishing industry were full of vacant twats. And what are the chances of that, eh?
Andre - too kind.
Apprentice - of course it can! You can have anyone you like. Sure you don't want Hollywood A-lister? No? Don't tell me - you actually want someone who can act. Also let's not forget that Emma Thomson is married to Greg Wise. Cough.
Pete - In my experience, most people who work in publishing are highly intelligent and show excellent judgement at all times. They are also all very attractive.
I love that Day 12 post!
Still funny 6 months on - nothing came out of my nose this time though (Sorry)
MASSIVELY droll. I have, in the ostentatious way that media twats like me favour, forwarded this post to a number of agents.
(number approximately equal to 2)
If you don't get the response you want you should really consider a book about trying to get your book published (and include all the replies to your letter). It would be brilliant. Remember, you heard it from me first.
Of course you'd have to get a publisher interested.
What I like so very much about all of this is that this is the exact and actual idea I have had (except it's not really an idea). Not the book about getting a book published, a book which is the idea in this post. Not getting it published (or being rejected by publishers) would of course be part of it. However, I am not burning with desire to share my Work with the world, so it may just stay as an idea that sometimes, when I'm half asleep on the sofa, makes me laugh a lot. And as you as you say, I'd need a contract to ... and so on. Which is why this makes me laugh so much.
Hello Philip darling, where have you been?
I would totally buy the book. Perhaps some manner of petition or focus-group results included with the letter would totally sway them. We can work on this.
Darling! Where have you been? On holiday with Philip? Very nice to have you back.
This is an Excellent idea. I am particularly keen on focus groups. You usually get sausage rolls to eat while you look at dirty people through one-way mirrors.
See, the thing is, you probably *will* get a book deal anyway. So no more false modesty, my dear.
Dearest A! You are kind, but I really am NOT doing the false modesty thing. If I think about it, the only book I can write is a book about nothing much happening. I am not Convinced, myself!
But I am relieved I am not alone with my bendy joints.
I'm looking forward to the film already...excellent choice of Clive Owen as your lead man. Please make sure he has his kit off for at least 90% of it.
(But who would you pick to be your stunt double?)
It's not what you tell, it's the way you tell it. And you tell it very well. So there.
If by Philip you mean Pittsburgh ... then yes. And if you mean by Holiday, working cubicle whore, then yes.
Otherwise, all the same. Still cute boy named Jason. Still neglecting friends. Still churning out lack-luster posts.
The more things change...
You could be the British...(or is that English?)Seinfeld. We Americans love stuff about nothing. Ok, maybe just me. Maybe I shouldn't be speaking for all Americans. Ahhhh, f*ck 'em.
You are genius. You will bring down literature from within. You must begin perfecting your evil laugh.
This one was in northern Finland, for a bit.
Sadly not a Splendid Monkey in sight only some Reindeer, one Husky, two crows, a magpie and a Squirrel (Grey)
A template for success, undoubtedly.
Darling!
It's such a marvellous idea!
A book about nothing! Oh, it's just so... meta.
We must meet, sip drinks, eat sausage rolls, chew fat and have a jolly old chinwag about the whole spiffing concept.
Yours in thrall,
A Publisher.
Good luck. A show about nothing worked for Seinfield, so I don't see why a book about nothing can't work for you.
You certainly have nicer hair than Seinfield.
Brilliant! I am beginning my review already, to be splashed across the cover of the second run, in funky quotation marks with plenty of exclamation marks too, and pithy phrases along the lines of "Non-working monkey does for English literature what the Arctic Monkeys did for music". See, they like when the word monkey is in twice.
I am speechless with joy over these many comments. Damian, what is it with my hair that you like so much?
Fiona - Dirty thing! No no no! And yet - a comment that is funnier than the post. Ah me.
A Publisher - are you also Alain de Botton? A cheeky impersonating scamp? My heart leapt - I shook - I thought I would - insert many hyphens like - Emily Dickinson and then -
I realised that real publisher would offer sausage rolls. Unless they're at the Ivy. Are you paying? Please contact me via email. I KNOW you are real and I want to TOUCH YOU WITH MY TINY LITTLE MONKEY HANDS in VERY INTIMATE PLACES that will MAKE YOU SQUEAK and GET ME $3m FOR THE FILM RIGHTS. Dirty.
Pants - thank you. (Everyone go and read Ms Pants. She is very good, I think.)
Tickle, Lee - a joy, as ever.
Philip - you intrigue me still after all these months.
Lucia darling, stunt double for the 'chewing gum' incident only, so ... well, I'd have to ... yes. Hmm.
Anxious, oh Anxious. I kiss you.
And a lot of ptarmigan - mostly stuffed and tastefully arranged.
No live ones seen - which might be explained by all the stuffed ones.
Picture available on request.
please find enclosed a cheque for £70k and a list of loads of people wanting to write articles about you - one of which may happen to mention in passing that you used to write for the sunday times. at which point everyone will go, 'oh for fuck's sake', roll their eyes and stop reading about you. ok?
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