"Lightning doesn't strike twice", they say. That isn't true, as we all know: take, for example, of the case of Roy Cleveland Sullivan (1912 – 1983), a forest ranger in Shenandoah National Park in Virginia, who was struck by lightning seven times.
Some years ago, I was taking my weekly shower and tentatively soaping my ladygarden. "What is this?", I thought. Something was wrong. Something sticky, dense and minty fresh, embedded where it should not have been. Some minutes and a pair of scissors later, I extracted a lump of chewing gum. How it got there I will never know.
I know for a fact that I haven't chewed any gum in the house for a few days. I know for a fact that I haven't been lolling around naked smoking a pipe and wriggling around in my speshul typing chair. I haven't been driving naked, or dragging my arse along the pavement like a dog with worms. I haven't been rolling around in bed with a gum-chewing gentleman callers for - well, ever. (If they forget to take their socks off, they usually remember to spit the gum out at least). If there's any gum in my bedroom, it's loose and unchewed in the bottom of a dusty handbag I haven't used for five years. So how come I've just found chewing gum embedded in my ladygarden for the second time?
It's just as well I'm not entertaining gentleman callers at the moment, otherwise I'd be muttering vaguely about pubic topiary being on-trend for Autumn/Winter 2006.
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15 comments:
Does your chewing gum lose its flavour on the front door overnight?
An unusual bikini wax right enough! I thought you monkeys groomed better than that.
Had to laugh at Graham Norton last night talking about the missing link monkey skull. Half human, half chimp. He said the bottom half was human, and the top half chimp, so at least it could make a cup of tea.
You really need to stop making me spittake. And finding gum in your 'ladygarden' when you haven't been entertaining many gardeners lately is odd in a very spittake-y way.
Are you sure it was gum and not just, you know, 'build-up'?
Apprentice - the least said about my hair removal antics, the better. It is REMARKABLY time-consuming, and only takes place if I think a gentleman caller is in the vicinity.
AA - I know.
TL - I am sorry for your spittle problems. I am soon to be launching a branded mouth-guard; perhaps you'd like to pre-order? The whole thing is fucking strange frankly.
F - I am most Sure, for I had a Good Wash last Friday.
I wondered if the last person to use the soap, had been washing out mouths.
Do you sleep-walk?
Blimey. Maybe I do. Hmm.
Interesting terminology: Ladygarden
PS: I'm currently chewing some dragonfruit Ice Breakers gum:)
maybe it's a miracle and you are manifesting gum - like one of those holy statues. i've always thought my son might a bit divine -despite appearances to the contrary because he manifests ketchup all over his face, even when there has been no food involving ketchup around for days and days.
you could become a shrine and people will queue to kneel before you and pay hommage your lady garden ...
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