Regular readers will be aware of a recent incident involving the proprietor of this piece of classical statuary calling me a dirty lady as he chased me from his premises, having caught me trying to take a cheeky peek underneath the modesty panel of paper and parcel tape. But what is this? We are reconciled, the shopkeeper and I! This morning I nearly drove into the back of a bus on the way back up Brixton Hill, for the classical fruit and veg had been revealed, and were winking cheekily in the bright Autumn sunshine.
"Do I dare?", I asked myself as I skidded to a stop outside my flat. The temptation was too much. I spent a good twenty minutes trying to find my digital camera (aware, as I was, that I might have to take the picture from the other side of the street, rather than up-close 'n' personal whilst pretending to send a text message on my mobile telephonic device). I found the camera in the bathroom cupboard (obv), and set out on my mission.
Experience and age have taught me that if you want to do something truly awful, it is better to just ask for what you want. People are usually so astonished that they have no choice but to say yes. This, I decided as walked down the hill, was my strategy.
The shopkeeper was wearing a flat cap and had a new gold tooth.
"Your beautiful Statue. Are you SURE he is not For Sale?"
"Why you ask?"
"He is EXACTLY what I want for my garden."
"In one month maybe I sell."
"Why one month?"
"You are Gay Man?"
Granted, I've finally given in to the fact that I look much better with very short hair (for my hair is fine, and my face no longer like that of a puffer fish), and I was wearing trousers, but there is the not-so-small matter of my hooters which are hard to disguise, even with a minimiser bra and a baggy jersey.
"Um, no. Why?"
"Is Gaymanthing!"
"What is?"
"You SEEN size of pee-pee?"
"Gosh! No!" (I feign surprise.) "Good HEAVENS!"
"You see! Is gaymanthing. They like this."
"Ladies like it too, you know."
"Is mainly gaymanthing."
"As you wish. So why did you decide to reveal his manhood?"
"It look silly under paper. Also, people always lifting it up, like you. Is silly to pretend is not there, also if I want to sell, better to show."
"Yes, I see what you mean."
"Ironically I break him today!"
"Where?", I say, looking at the Very Clear Fracture Line on the Classical Old Chap. "There?"
"No no! Here!" The Shopkeeper demonstrates the fact that he is almost split down the middle from head to toe.
"How sad."
"No, I mend him with glue, also maybe some Polyfilla."
"Hmm. Well, good luck. I'll come back in a couple of weeks. In the meantime, may I take a photograph?"
"Yes, as you are thinking to buy. But please also include name of shop."
"Your wish is my command."
He blows me a kiss, and we say our goodbyes.
And so, in honour of the wwner of Bazaar Bazaar on Brixton Hill here, in all his glory, is the piece of classical statuary I so want for my garden.
And here is a close-up, just in case you can't find your specs (Monkeymother, they're probably in the kitchen).
Anyroad up, it's not even lunchtime and that's already quite enough cock for one week. I'm off for a little lie down.
34 comments:
So am I! Off for a lie down. Well, you've managed to make me laugh twice in the same morning NWM.
Your Blog is partly responsible for making me feel a whole lot better.
Dearest Eyebrows, Hello and welcome. Cup of tea? I am Delighted that you are Amused.
My neighbors would stage a witchhunt. They would try to figure out how to set concrete on fire. They would handle snakes.
I was alerted to this policy change by a somewhat cryptic text from my wife this morning(as follows):
"The paper has been removed! And it's a whopper"
Without adequate marble cock context, I was a little puzzled. By the time I'd deciphered it & fired up my Mac in order to apprise you of events it transpired that you were, predictably, ahead of me.
Blimey!
I mean. Blimey!
You don't see that sort of thing very often. Not on the high street.
Blimey!
Good grief.
Gaymanthing be damned. That is a mash up of a bloke above the waist and an elephant below.
Compare Michelangelo's David.
I notice cracks though - has there been a bit of vanity extension going on in some Renaissance carvery?
It's alright - glasses on string round neck - but not really necessary in view of immensity of the object.
No I shall not loan you the money to buy the now very shop-soiled statue. I shall give you the money.
Oh, believe me, it's a Gaymanthing alright. I've just shown me boyfriend. He nearly spat his soup out.
Robin! Mike! How delightful to see you both.
Robin. I noted the arse of Michaelangelo's David, and 12,000 tourists. His Manhood I do not remember. Should I have done? Or is it Unremarkable?
Mike: what kind of soup?
Mikey - thank you for your Thinking of me. Your wife is obviously Very Sensible.
MM - glad the specs are in place but as you say you would have to be Virtually Blind not to get your eyes round that poundage.
Some poor child could have his or her eye out on that 'thing'. I think you should make it your duty to bring this to your garden NOW. For the safety of the children.
Plus, your blog is becoming NSFW. If you know what I mean. And that makes me sad.
Not safe for work? I have never posted a cock before, and I do not intend to do it again! I say, Timbo, what ARE you saying?
Please note: MM has offered to BUY THE STATUE FOR MY GARDEN. I am considering hosting my very own blogmeet in the garden, where people can come and Touch The Cock in return for presents of alcohol and Rococo chocolate.
Two words: Holy Crap.
(Incidentally, I notice that the charming vinyl sofa is still for sale. Maybe he'd do you a job lot? You know you want it. You do.)
Will you have any of those nice new After Eight truffley thingies at this blog-to-touch-the-cockmeet function?
Emma - when's your birthday?
Timbo - don't be ridiculous. (On the other hand, I haven't tried them - could you pop some in the post? Thanks.)
Definitely you need this for the garden--facing the window.... blush blush
I think you should start seriously collecting, and turn your backyard into a very special sculpture garden of Classical Cocks - I'm sure MM would provide financial backing. Having a cup of tea on the patio would become a most invigorating experience. And it would probably make twatboy go insane. Also, you could also invite Antiques Road Show around, to do an after-11PM X-rated special.
Good grief. Makes you wonder about its provenance.
MM - I'm up for it if you are. I'm thinking a kind of Antiques Roadshow Roadshow, in which we take the Exhibits around the country. Thoughts?
Indigo - quite, dear thing, quite.
The David todger is VE-ry much smaller than that, and a good deal more anatomically likely. Bigger veg, less meat.
I'm only mentioning this, not from any obsessive interest in penile reform, but because I saw a film many years ago called "The Statue" which was quite funny and entirely about David's weenie. Will supply plot synopsis if asked - nicely.
I'm fond of statues like Michaelangelo's Dave as he doesn't threaten my masculinity.
That bugger does though.
The face doesn't look like John Holmes though.
Miss Monkey: my birthday is not until June, by which time I fear the vinyl sofa will be the stuff of dreams. Or in your living room.
Robin: a) you shouldn't have to ask; and b) I'm not going to beg.
Clare: but what is Episode 3? His Old Chap falls off on my bed as we try to maneouvre him into the garden through the double doors?
Paul Fwegebola - believe me, it's too big.
I. - a mysterious comment that is no doubt Clever that I shall now go and have to work out with the help of an OS Map, Yahoo! Answers and the Google.
Cheerful. Too late. I've got a cellar, and it's full of YOUR BIRTHDAY PRESENT.
Oooh! I've always wanted a dungeon!! :p
Oh my GOD! Read this in coffee shop and laughed till tears ran down my face. - Actually, the tears came rather quickly. Possibly my hyper-sensitive imagination again.
You might like to know I work a short walk from the Chocolate Society, and have also discovered a new source of Lovely Wine. But really in thre flesh, is it a bit scary...?
Hmm. You know I meant: "really, in the flesh (as it were)..."
Hmmm, looks pretty average to me...
;-)
A xx
Average? Not on my desktop it doesn't! Daren't place it on my lap-top in case I forget and open it up in a public place. Very happy on my desktop in my attic.
oh my goodness me!!!! they usually have tiny ones!!
oooooooooooo
It must have been a cold day.
Try and take a photo when the sun is out next time. Poor statue.
The lunchbox has landed, as they say in Sheffield.
Blimey.
If you actually look at the statue in proportion - ITS NOT THAT BIG
Post a Comment