I am not one for revenge for two reasons:
1. I am lazy.
2. From what I can see, the knobbers usually get their comeuppance anyway.
However, this is not to say that I do not regularly compose imaginary letters to people I dislike in my head, and imagine sending them from strange and untraceable places. Why do I do this thing? Because it is amusing and satisfying, that is why!
Dear Australian Slapper With Whom I Used To Work
I saw right through you. In fact, we all did. And no, you are not good at playing politics. Also, your eyes are like those of a snake. And we all knew you were shagging the managing director and administering oral love to the grumpy art director in the third office along.
In other news, your arse looks like a prosthetic comedy bottom, and apparently you smell in the ladyparts.
Wishing boils upon you and your pets,
NWM
PS When I was promoted (without asking) and you were not promoted (despite asking), you complained about it all day. This only made you look like even more of a knobber. *
Of course I never send the letters I write in my head, mainly because I don't actually write them down. But it is very satisfying to compose them, and they usually take all the irritation away.
But are they enough? No they are not. Sometimes, if you are very angry indeed and about to shout, you can say to yourself: a letter would never be enough, but would I send them a poo in box?
Do you dislike them so much that you can be bothered to get a box and poo into it? (Either straight into it, or by fishing the poo out of the loo with a slotted spoon.) Can you be bothered to find the right box? (Tupperware is probably best.) Are you able to wrap it, address it, take it to the Post Office? If it is an international package, what do you say on the customs label? Can you risk being found out, what with it being your poo and probably traceable (via DNA) back to your bottom? (And is sending a poo
in a box a criminal offence?)
I cannot recommend this exercise highly enough for one simple reason: you invariably realise that the person that has annoyed you is not even worth the trouble of sending a poo in a box to - a realisation that can often be rather soothing!
* NB: if you are reading this for the second time, you may have noticed that I have changed the imaginary letter. There is an excellent reason for this, involving not upsetting someone I like very much who is connected with the subject of the previous example.
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12 comments:
If you don't have a criminal record your DNA will not be traceable so, as long as you aren't daft enough to put your own address anywhere on the parcel it should be safe enough. I can't believe I sat here and thought this through! I would not do it - I will not sink as low as Sharon Osbourne. There must be better ways of getting your own back on someone.
I once happened to 'drop in' to a conversation a piece of information I wanted my boss's boss to know. But, as it was said clearly, but in the middle of a sentence and I didn't make eye contact, the b's b just thought I was a bit thick and I got away with it. But, my boss got into Big Trouble, tee hee. He has since been found out shagging people he shouldn't and been sacked, ha!
Yes, they do usually get their 'come-uppance' without our help, or poo.
I use Jiffy Bags. Cheaper to send; there's a limit to how much I'm willing to spend to send postal-poo to someone I dislike.
Incidentally, apparently someone really did send poo to a writer they disliked. Read all about it: http://tinyurl.com/57mjnn
I love you. I really do. I have monkeylove. I would go out with you on a date. You had me at "slotted spoon".
For me, "slotted spoon" was the tiny extra bit of detail you let slip that made me realise exactly how close you have come to doing this.
If I ever visit your home in Canadia I shall feign a dietary condition so that I can avoid any foods (rice, boiled vegetables etc) that may have come into contact with said utensil.
DAMN RIGHT I've thought about it. It's a splendid form of therapy. And I've never even got close to doing it, simply because my poo deserves better.
But I must delurk to ask: why not simply send a different poo, rather than your own? A dog poo would do the trick, but would not be traceable (via DNA) back to you. But perhaps this would be more practical for me, as I live in Paris, where dog poo is abundantly available on all pavements.
Yes, oddly enough I thought the same as Katie.
Does it always come out as a letter? Often I find myself having imaginary conversations where I pithily summarise all the character faults of the person I am busily hating back to them, with breathtaking wit and cleverness. Out loud. In the street. On second thoughts letter is best.
Surprisingly very little DNA material actually exists in poo and this is usually destroyed by smearing the poo! so rather than sending a complete poo through the post you are better off just rubbing the poo all over a postcard! (cheaper to)
not sure if the royal mail will deliver though?
just change your handwriting and suscribe them to every magazine you can find...it will annoy them and cost them moeny to get unsubscribed. yes, it's childish, and yes it works;o)
Does it have to be your own poo? If it's in a box, might I recommend tying it up with a red ribbon?
If said poo can be placed in another location, I'd probably choose the annoying person's change purse.
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