I have been inspired by dear Wendy over at her web-blog It's A Life, who has been wondering whether or not she is a dork.
I do not think she is, but that is another matter. Pressing more on my tiny monkey mind is what 'dork' means and where it stands in the ranking of sweary person-descriptors, leading - inevitably - to an attempt to define the other sweary person-descriptors in common usage.
(Oh, and when I say that contributions and comments are welcome, I mean it. For once.)
Twat
Reckons themselves a bit. Does or says stupid things, and not entirely unintenionally, i.e. the action that resulted in the person being called a 'twat' could have been averted at some level. Not malicious, but not entirely without blame either.
Better dressed than a fuckwit (see below), but not as well dressed as a cunt (see below).
Bitch
When used by a woman about another woman, usually implies manipulative and able to, without so much as a by-your-leave, to do the dirty on another lady in order to get what she wants. Has at least one pair of 'sexy' shoes, even if they cost £4.99 from Shoe Express.
When used by a man, means 'girlfriend' (my own label of choice!)
Cow
Like bitch, but the lady in question is slightly older, more bitter, and endlessly mean for the sake of it, probably because she was jilted at the altar twenty years ago in favour of her better looking younger sister.
Wears comfortable shoes and smells a bit of wee.
Idiot
Usually used to describe occasional behaviour, e.g. "you were an idiot".
Usually the result of something annoyingly preventable, e.g. leaving the freezer door open or having a small crash in your mother-in-law's car; often the only people to suffer are the idiots themselves.
Fuckwit
Fuckwits are like idiots, except the result of their actions usually costs more (e.g. leaving the back door open vs. leaving the freezer door open), or inconvenience a greater number of people (e.g. cocking on about sorting out the holiday, getting to the airport and then finding out that you've left all the tickets at home and your passport's out of date).
Note: not malicious; just thoughtless (bordering on selfish).
Wanker
Male bitch.
Cock
Relentlessly irritating. Goes on and on. Bad suits. Likes R.E.O. Speedwagon and drives a BMW 3-Series. Will never be cool, however hard he tries.
Cretin
My brother.
Cunt
Capable of doing terrible things. Entirely untrustworthy, disingenuous, manipulative, self-serving and awful, but often highly intelligent and worthy of grudging respect. Often extremely well-dressed.
If someone hated me, I would want them to describe me as a cunt.
Dork
A sweet geek; doesn't realise that their occasional awkwardness is endearing. Probably has a girlfriend or boyfriend.
Geek
Bill Gates, but without the money. May not have a boyfriend or girlfriend. (People in good shoes saying "Oh I'm such a GEEK" when showing off their iPod Touch to a room full of unimpressed ladies are not geeks; they are twats.)
Asshole
This is an American term that is, to my mind, a relentless combination of twat, cunt and wanker. Any illumination from Americans who have a good knowledge of British English (or vice-versa) would be gratefully received.
I am sure there are more, and I am sure I will re-write this post one hundred times, but for the time being I would rank them thus (starting with the baddest):
1. Cunt
[Asshole]
2. Wanker/Bitch
3. Cow/Twat
4. Twat
5. Cock
6. Cretin
7. Idiot
8. Geek
9. Dork
I, for example, and am idiot.
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27 comments:
I think I'm an idiot too. It's not something I'm proud of, but I do fit the general description. Looking down the list, I could do a lot worse, although I don't know what I am called behind my back. For all practical purposes, when introducing myself, I may as well say, "Hi, I'm Irene and I'm an idiot." That way people know right off what sort of person they are dealing with and there will not be any disappointments down the line. If there were an Association of Idiots, I might join up and even become their spokes person. As idiots go, I am pretty presentable. Of course, there is a whole other category named "village idiots", but that's a whole different thing, because they don't know that they are.
The question is: what's the distinction between an asshole and an arsehole? I think if you say, "He's an asshole," you mean he is mean & nasty, probably with very little if any inner life or self-knowledge, and potentially has the power to cause harm. There is an implication of deviousness, manipulation etc.
There's another usage, meaning something closer to a putz or a shmuck, which is the same as above but without the conscious nastiness - though he can still cause harm to others through his lack of self-reflection etc.
Now, this is the usage that I think is better characterised by the English "arsehole." I think the flat, ugly short A sound and the unrelieved sibilant of "asshole" make it nastier, give it aural emphasis. An "arsehole" - especially given the way the English use the word "arse" (which is not the same as how Americans use "ass," I don't think) - is more comic than an asshole, he is someone you could laugh at. Think the Welsh lodger in "Notting Hill" (sorry). He's an arsehole, for sure, but you couldn't call him an asshole. Well - you could... but I think arsehole would be better.
I got into this on my blog when I called Richard Branson an asshole, and everyone said to me, "you're in England now, love, you should call him an arsehole" - and it was never really resolved - i.e., certain critics never backed down. But I do feel I am right on this one.
Dear NWM! Where but on your blog can I find a discussion of this kind of topic? (Interesting point: what would you like the people who hate you to call you...? And alas - what do they really call you? Or am I just paranoid?)
Irene - this made me squeak with joy - but I am SURE you are not an idiot.
Ms B - EXACTLY what I am looking for. Informed, scholarly, illustrated by example, etc. I salute you, and all who sail in you. (Not like that.) And I agree with you - there is a difference isn't there, and I rather feel you have captured it precisely.
This might be the funniest and most informative thing I've ever read on the internet.
I've even found something out about myself. I thought I was a dork (and I think I am sometimes), but now I know that what I really am is an idiot! I might even change my blog name, even if just in my own head. As far as I'm concerned, my blog is now called "It's an Idiot".
Also, if blokes refer to their girlfriends as bitches, does that mean we now have to call our boyfriends wankers? I'm all for that.
Do you know the term "douchebag"? One of my favorites. Very pompous person. Will destroy your dinner party. Dumber than a box full of hair.
Wendy! You flatter me. Sadly I cannot call my boyfriend a wanker, although I am not sure what he gets up to when I am out with the seven Mexicans from down the road.
Special K- Oh sweet Lord. yes. And what a PERFECT description. I shall add it forthwith.
If one wants to pursue in-depth research on the matter, this website offers invaluable illustrations of the Douchebag and all its nefarious manifestations (also, hotties).
I'm increasingly fond of the term "asshat", although it's frightfully American, don't you know.
Also, cow, can be 14 year old girl with tight, high ponytail, chav accent and earrings form Argos.
In my experience.
Dork anecdote: Friend of a friend took young son to doctor. Young son remonstrated with said doctor about his encroaching on personal areas. Doctor remonstrated with mother on young son's use of inappropriate and slightly cutesy terminology for what should be a man's proudest possession. Mother, shamed, has talk with young son. Two days later mother realizes entire produce section is giving her amused glances as she feels up the melons - tunes in to happily singing young son to discover it is warbling, "it's not a dork, it's a PEEEEEEnis!" at full voice. End of anecdote.
Asshole should refer mostly to cretins on the road. That's what I use it for anyway.
I, too, am an idiot. In fact, I have tagged many of my blog posts with that label. I think that they are only outnumbered by those that are tagged "embarrassment", though there is a large crossover. That should give any non-readers an idea of what my blog, and indeed my life, is like.
Idiots of the world untie!
Seeking clarification on where Tosser fits in? Is it the same as Wanker? I have noted it's used with such wonderful disdain - obviously about somebody you could give a flying fuck (different from a toss) about - in England, but attempts to import it to Ireland have so far been fruitless. I am forced to stick to Geebag (wicked old lady with shriveled gender parts) and other such terminology. Please advise.
'Manus' is a goodun (pronounced man-us).
Used thus:
"You're a manus."
"No, YOU'RE a manus."
I shall refer you to the last item on Wikipedia's search results for its origins: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Manus
Only a Kiwi could've come up with a non-insulting insult.
Given your fondness of certain creatures, I'm guessing one ofmy personal favourites 'Cock Monkey' will not be featuring in any future lists . . . . ?
Can I please have a ruling on Bastard? My husband puts me somewhere between that and Bitch, except for the shoes. They are not sexy, but sensible, even if they are red.
What about jackass, dumbass, retard, cockwit and dickhead?
I was writing some lovely post about my ex-boyfriend, which gave me some material to come up with all these lovely words. Maybe they are mainly American?
Other than that, I like using "douche" rather than "douchebag". Calling someone "shower" in my own (French) language and it being insulting is pretty delicious.
As Shakespeare might have written:
"Life is a tale told by a twat".
'Bastard' hardly counts as a swear any more; 'you dozy bastard' is almost a term of endearment. And 'tosser' is milder than 'wanker' (don't know why: maybe it's the K in 'wanker' that makes it seem more venomous). 'Jackass' is pre-war, 'cockwit' is just a milder variant of 'fuckwit', and 'dumbass' hasn't made it across the Atlantic, or at least not to those parts of South London that I infest.
And how about 'moron' ( a moron is a cretin exercising free will; cretins can't help it, you see..) or 'pillock'? My current favourite is 'gobshite', which has come a long way from the Great Bog of Allen, and ought to go further.
Perhaps you ought to have one of those vote thingies.
Also, nobber.
Or knobber.
Depending on your spelling.
Oh, I'd say "retard" made it into the world of insults as well as "moron", "imbecile" or "idiot". Which are all psychology terms.
I need a combo name since I've behaved badly (long, long time ago) and I'm a bit goofy.
Love the list.
Can i just say : Ball-bag..?
Re: Ball-Bag. Does that hang higher or lower than Scrotum?
Why is peabrain not on your list? This is said numerous times by Lo, she is a terrible Goddess, many times every day - seemingly directed at me.
An analysis would be extremely useful - if you have time - thank you.
How about doing verbs next?
For example, would you rather be told to stop "piss-arsing" around or to "stop your fuckwittery*"?
*clearly not a verb, but you get the idea.
Re: Ball-bag
Depends on whether you are right or left handed
May I make a bid for "Knob Jockey" as a word that is particularly hard to rank? Is it lovingly humourous? Or is it aggressive and a bit winded-making?
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