Monday, December 17, 2007

Day 513: I Offer My Readers A Christmas Quiz

Everyone normal thinks Sting is a cock, but do not let that put you off playing my one-off special Christmas quiz, which involves thinking a bit about whether you would rather read a book with Sting in it or let Prince Edward paw at your ladygarden (and/or manstick).

OK. Here we go with the quiz. It is really great. What you have to imagine is that you are looking at the display of 'literature' I will now show you in a photograph. (It is a display I saw earlier this afternoon in Indigo on Ste-Catherine, just behind the piss-poor CD section).


















I will give you some time to stop being sick in your own mouth at the mere thought of Sting, and then I will ask you to consider the other 'works' in the display and answer a simple question:

Which would you rather do?

1. Own a book of Sting's lyrics because you think he's good;

2. Own a book with Ronnie Wood doing embarrassing mock-shadow boxing on the front in the style of a twat;

3. Accept the very existence of a book called "Still Takin' Care Of Business - The Randy Backman Story" ;

4. Stick sharp sticks in your eyes;

5. Get an 'intimate nudging' off of the Princely mace.





If you are in any doubt, I am able to help you with your decision. Simply read this, or just have a quick squizz at this:

14 comments:

Nic said...

One cannot really blame Sting for the "roses have thorns and shing waters mud; cancer lurks deep in the sweetest bud" bit as it's a crib from Shakespeare.

Oh no, not plagiarism, no indeedy! Merely intertextuality, doncha know! :o)

Dave Shelton said...

There's a book of lyrics by Sting? Wasn't he recently voted the worst lyricist in the universe ever or something? And judging by the samples above he's getting progressively worse.

All that said, I must admit I quite liked him twenty odd years back. And I still like the appropriated Shakespeare.

beth said...

I'm going for Randy Backman because I don't know who he is and therefore might learn something useful from his book.

Is it wrong to want to learn?

(It's going to be wrong isn't it?)

Unknown said...

I thought Driven to Tears was quite profound...when I was sixteen.


I picked Ronnie Wank-Boxing, because I cannot un-know that he snorted his father's ashes. I'd read just that part to try to understand the circumstances (I can hope, can't I?), and then re-gift it to this stoner guy who lives upstairs from the store where I work, because he's offered "protection" should we need it, and I'm grateful for that though I've never had to take him up on it. So it's not like I'd really own it.

Otherwise I'd choose "other", which would likely mean getting the cringeworthy Sissel DVD that my mother wants for Christmas, because she's seen the show on PBS but doesn't want to make the $75 pledge in order to get it as a free gift. Because she doesn't realize she can just walk into a store and BUY it.

Anonymous said...

I refuse to play the would-you-rather game. I know this game and it is insidious. It starts out harmless ("Would you rather live in Ohio or Nebraska?" - substitute Manchester and Leeds if you like) and then progresses until you're trying to honestly choose between being exsanguinated by a swimming pool of mosquitoes or contracting a flesh-eating bacteria. Oh, and I listened to the Police and had a picture of Sting wearing his natty white silk candle-dancing pajamas up in my school locker. You see, we all have a dark past.

Anonymous said...

just heard on the steven wright show (I KNOW) that sting was so named because he used to wear a stripy jumper on stage. Aw ain't that cute?

chose sharp sticks incidentally, or even interdentally

Anonymous said...

Fingers in ears and humming loudly!

I PICK STING - ALL OF YOU ARE DOO-DOO HEADS!

NON-WORKINGMONKEY said...

Nic - yeah, I know it's Shakespeare and all that; it's the fact that Sting appropriates his stuff that makes him a preening cockmonkey. Well, that an everything else about him, including his mouth.

Dave - yeah man there is. That is what is in the photograph if you look closely. I cannot even begin to tell you of the horror that lurks therein.

Beth - Backman Turner Overdrive!!!!

Marla - seriously, I'm coming to visit you next time I'm in TO (yeah!) and you can show me the stoner.

Megan - life is about those games, e.g. 'what would you rather do, walk barefoot across a room tightly carpeted with tiny monkeys that crunch like cockroaches underfoot and scream faintly as they die, or be snowed in in a remote cottage with Cleo Laine and John Dankworth (both in full voice) for a week?'. Also, 'who would you rather sleep with' is the only way to spend most evenings. E.g. 'who would you rather sleep with, George Bush Snr or Jnr, when they were both aged 35" or "Who would you rather sleep with, Warren Beatty c. 1978 or Gregory Peck c. 1963?". Etc.

Minty - I have just been sick in my mouth.

J - if it weren't for the fact that I very much enjoy your interjections, I would ban you from this web-blog indefinitely.

beth said...

Oh.

I always thought it was Bachman Turner Overdrive.

No wonder my life has been spiraling out of control of late.

Phew. Thanks for getting me back on track.

beth said...

ps I fancied Sting from "So Lonely" until about seven minutes after seeing the "Don't Stand So Close To Me" video for the first time.

In my defence, I was at a very impressionable age.

(There is no defence is there?)

Katy Newton said...

Oh come ON. Will no one speak up for His Permatanned Tantricness? As usual it falls to me, except for Jali but I'm not going to say that because it ruins the rhythm of my comment. And all I will say is this: here is a man who came up with some seriously inspired songwriting.

I give you:

"Innocent lamb/Cardiogram"

and

"Forget the weather/We should always be together" ("We'll be together").

This man is a MASTER OF RHYME. Have some respect please. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

I believe the line "But there's just a flat line on your cardiogram" is also borrowed from Shakespeare.

NON-WORKINGMONKEY said...

Katy. Sting is a cunt. End of.

Johnnyboy: your knowledge of English literature is very impressive, for a Frenchie! You are right: it is from "Measure For Measure', Act I Scene IV.

Dave said...

Please remember that Russians have children too. That'll be in Sting's lyric book somewhere.

YOU MAY ALSO LIKE

Blog Widget by LinkWithin