Regular readers will be aware of the existence of Monkeymother, who is my mother. (This you may have been able to deduce for yourselves.)
She persistently and stubbornly refuses to write a blog of her own, even though the things that happen to her are considerably stranger than the things that happen to me. However, it is nearly Christmas and as it is now not clear whether or not I will get a pony, she has kindly agreed to act as Agony Monkey for you, my legions of readers. She is able to answer questions on all topics, including:
1. Relationship Issues
2. Household 'n' cookery hints
3. Dog psychology
4. Proportional Representation
5. Some legal matters
6. Difficult bits of French grammar
7. What to do if your daughter is 37, single, unemployed and spends her days photographing Enormous Cocks on Brixton Hill
8. General Knowledge
9. Pretty much everything, come to think of it.
Please submit your questions via email up there on the right. All questions will be posted anonymously, unless you say it's OK to give your name and/or URL.
Please return on Wednesday for the first in Monkeymother's Special Guest Posts in which she Answers Your Pressing Questions.
Monkeymother is unable to answer all your questions personally. Questions along the lines of "Why is your daughter a cretin?" need not be answered, as I think the answer to that particular conundrum is more than apparent.
_____
UPDATE: Due to sheer weight of traffic, Monkeymother will only be able to consider questions via email. This is to stop Monkeyfather getting in there first and being silly when she is doing the washing up. Send 'em to me. Email details up there on the right. I thank you.
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29 comments:
...and what about deeply meaningful advice from monkeyfather? (Who, hitherto, in spite of the occasional urge, has remained extremely restrained from commenting on anything)
Please ask monkeymother whether garlic is acceptable in pumpkin risotto. Much depends on the outcome.
Dear Dave, Garlic is always acceptable, except in trifle. Pumpkin, however, is not. Best wishes, MM
Q: Where oh where was Toshack?
(This is much more important to people of a certain age, much more important than things like "Where oh where has my little dog gone?")
What is proportional representation? I already know my waistline is not in proportion to the rest of me (except maybe the immense brain).
How does one deal with a certain standard poodle who is a great wine critic-prefers burgundys, thinks she rules the world and quite often outwits her owner? Said dog being so intelligent absolutely refused to seek employment to help with household accounts including treats and stuffy toys.
Dear Robin, I understand your question but, as a lifelong (from the age of about 4) Gunners fan, I'm afraid I can't really sympathise. Best wishes, MM
Dear Martina, a I'm sure you know, proportional representation (thank you NWM) is a type of electoral process that exists in several versions and is too complicated to explain here. It is more democratic, from the electors point of view, but hellishly difficult to rule a country when no clear majority party emerges.
As for the poodle, even when dog is more intelligent than owner, it must never be allowed to know. Don't let it sleep on the bed or get on the furniture, feed it after you have eaten and train it with such yummy treats (not wine - a pissed poodle is not a pretty sight) that you will be able to sell its services to a pet agent and, with a bit of luck, it will go on location in the Mojave Desert for months, thus reducing your booze bill. Hope this helps. Best wishes, MM
NWM, we must be twins. Although I am 38 so that knocks idea on the head.
Dear Jo, although yours is a statement rather than a question, I feel I should advise you to take professional advice as soon as possible. The slightest hint of relationship to NWM suggests a little imbalance in the old noggin. Best wishes, MM
Now we have MonkeyFather?
I already love MonkeyMother but MonkeyFather appeals even more than.
I blame the parents.
I've had wine *cough*
Thank you Monkeymother, That clears that up, for now at least.
Which is my current kitten owner's motto.
(No newspaper was harmed in the making of these comments.)
Oh, and I've had wine too. Quite a lot. It didn't give me a cough, though. Try burgundy. Very popular with dogs these days, apparently,.
Dear Monkeyparents and readers of Blog,
Both parents wise and able to dispense advice. Suggest Monkeyparents answer questions as they see fit. For e.g., if questions along the lines of "I am in love with my dog" come in, MF should answer; if questions along the lines of "where has all the gin gone?", might be one for MM.
PLEASE NOTE: Special consideration will be given to questions submitted via email.
Yours ever
NWM
Chocolate : 60%, 70% or 80%????
(white or milk are out of the question of course)
I know! I know! I know! Oh. MM, MF, over to you. (Chocolate Orange Does Not Count On Christmas Day, when it is also acceptable to eat chocolate money before 6am).
To questions, or statements, such as "I am in love with my dog", don't expect sympathetic answers, get the picture?
Whatever. I welcome the picture. MM and MF and your NWM daughter are Doing Me Good.
I'm smiling again.
Dear raiseyoureyebrows, I'll pass on your kind comment to monkeydada, as we try not to let him get to close to electrical equipment, if we can help it.
With regard to 'blame' you are, of course, entirely right. I don't sleep well at night, what with the weight of responsibility I carry for having let NWM loose on the World and monkeydada's snoring.
Now I don't like the sound on that wine "cough". I'm not sure whether you mean you were pissed when you wrote this, or whether you believe you are exhibiting virus-like symptoms due to drinking wine. If the latter, you're probably not drinking enough.
Best wishes
MM
Damn, I see he got to the other computer when I was doing the washing up.
Dear I, I think 80% is almost a bit too much. But I think it all depends on the brand you buy - some people love Green & Black's, others prefer Lindt. And then there are all the "craftsmen chocolatiers". White chocolate is, of course, the work of Satan but, personally, I don't mind the odd Flake from time to time.
I suggest you buy one bar of every chocolate you can find and do your own taste test one evening.
Good luck! Do tell us how you got on in A & E.
Best wishes
MM
P.S. On a cookery programme on the Tele, some time ago they made chocolate mousse with lots of different chocolates. They found Bourneville best.
PLEASE NOTE
In order to keep Monkeymother (and Monkeyfather) in Top Question Answering Form, I am awfully afraid that they will only answer questions if I get 'em in an email first.
The first "Ask Monkeymother" post (including questions AND answers!) will be postedededed on oh, I dunno, Thursday?
Send your questions to lucy@spiffin.net.
With my love,
NWM
word verification: FOALukhj!!! this is not a joke!!
Jo, spiritual at least, let us Hope.
I say 70%.
I thank you.
Oh, and Wednesday.
Monkey family (senior [wonderful] generation) need own blog.
Message ends.
Note to self-never let maternal unit meet MM...they are too much alike and like to keep their daughters' on their toes.
By the way, aforementioned poodle Georgie DeWoof advised a nice glass or two of Pinot Evil if fine burgundy is not available. She only gets fingertip tastes of wine and sneezes after two tastes-i.e. that is her limit. She also likes good French chees but owner refuses to share. Dog loves owner, owner is just well trained.
Will do my best to come up with something, but really, I prefer my own advice...no matter how bad it may be.
I feel a Public Service Announcement coming on. Ahem. Alcohol is hazardous for dogs because they have a different metabolism from us. Ingesting alcohol can cause, in a dog, vomiting, diarrohea, central nervous system depression, breathing difficulties, tremours, death.
I don't care how often you say that your dog has had a fingerful and it hasn't hurt him/her: why take a chance with your dog's health/life. The dog doesn't know any better - you do, and it is your responsibility to look after the dog not poison it.
For MonkeyMother.
Yes I was pissed when I wrote that. When I re-read my comment this morning I didn't understand it.
Not sure if I should take your advice and drink more wine.
Oh - alright. Go on then. Just a small one.
PS: My desktop is now adorned with the close up of the statue. My laptop isn't. At least I have a smile on my face when I log on in the morning.
Is it circumcised? A bit grainy when enlarged but I do prefer them that way.
Indigo-I am well aware of alcohol and dogs. This is not an every day or every week event and in no way an amount that would cause harm.
please could you say whether monkeymother is going to be a regular agonymonkey?
i think, personally, that you should hold her down and refuse her ANY alcohol until she agrees to write her own blog.
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