TwatBoy Upstairs is a twat, so he feeds urban rodents. There are no songbirds in Brixton, only squirrels, rats and pigeons. So what exactly the twat thought he was doing by putting a birdfeeder stuffed with delicious nutty-nut-nuts on his window-ledge I will never know. I didn't sleep well last night. I had Strange Dreams and woke to find my face had creased itself in on itself. My hair was vertical, and one pyjama leg rolled up. I feel briefly back into a deep slumber, only be be woken by the dull THUD THUD of my stupid fat cat making his portly way to the back door, accompanied by a piercing squeak. I let him out, and then I Saw Them. Three of them, on the lawn, stuffing their stupid little faces with nuts from the birdfeeder which, I noticed last night, had fallen to the ground. And somewhere hidden in the undergrowth was another squirrel making the call over and over again, calling his squirrel friends to feast upon TwatBoy's nuts.
If the Calling Squirrel is successful, he will in some ways be doing me a favour. However, the grey squirrel call is like a quack-quack followed by a shriek, and when an animal has been doing it for thirty minutes, even the thought of ten squirrels attached to the front of TwatBoy's trousers cannot dissolve Murderous Thoughts.
Happily, however, America exists. And in America you can get these. Come to Mama, my little rodent friends.
19 comments:
Remember the Late Unlamented: humane traps followed by a nice big barrel full of water. And that's just for Twat Boy.
We have squirrels here-they try to get in the yard but the ferocious standard poodles and obese cat stop that idea. Doesn't your cat discourage the squirrels? Maybe you need an auxilliary feline to help. Love MM's comment-
That is one fat squirrel!
Talking of fat garden-based creatures, we had the fattest sparrow in the world in our garden today. And a robin - the robin was long-legged and svelte in comparison.
I think perhaps I need to get out more.
Is that squirrel flashing at you? You know, I think it is.
MM - is this the Late Unlamented that tried to revive a dead rabbit by stuffing it down an armchair, and stole scissors?
Anonymous - my cat cannot move without lying down and eating, and then snoring. He is Unterrifying in the Extreme. If you have a spare cat, please pop him in the post.
Mikey - is true, all true.
Anxious - please takey photography next time.
Indigo - yes he IS the fat squirrely bastard. Look at him. Smug. Grr.
Maybe it's a she-squirell - have you thought of that ? Surely female solidarity would forbid you from coldly drowning a member of the sisterhood ? What would Betty Friedan think ? She kinda looked like a squirrel too, come to think of it.
Yes, regarding The Late Unlamented.
I could bring round the terrorists to do the job, but you'd have to hide Monster or he would be torn limb from limb, as he is not fit enough to climb a matchbox, let alone a tree.
But You Must Speak to TwatBoy Again. Does he understand nothing? No, don't bother to answer that question - I fear I know the answer.
Johnnyboy, now I have considered the fact that the squirrels could be ladies, and thinking about feminists (as I rarely do, unless Greer's in Celebrity Big Brother), I have to say that this particular squirrel looks not unlike Andrea Dworkin.
B. Friedan looks more like a sloth, particularly about the mouth. Which is no comment on her intellect, I hasten to add. Anyway, maybe she and Dworkin have a sense of humour in the afterlife. If it exists. Which I doubt. And if it did, it would be free of squirrels, THAT's for sure, except the pretty red ones.
Well, you started it.
MM - please do bring the terrorists round. I can lock Monster in the cellar for a bit - he quite likes it in there, as it goes. This is Not Such A Bad Idea. Do they steal scissors like TLU?
And why do our comments show up as being written an hour later than they ACTUALLY WERE? I wish I understood Blogger. Sigh.
I'll lend you my dear papa if you like. he makes really mad bird feeder things that squirrels just can't get to ... but while they're trying, they're in the sights of his air rifle.
see here early model that didn't work.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/unkemptwomen/39145261/
I want 20. Can he get them out in time for Christmas? And can I have the plastic bits on top in red?
Mr (or is it Dr.) Pepper sounds like a valuable resource. Do please explain more about The Late Unlamented. We once came home and found a covey? of squirrels in the family room. They had chewed through the door screen, found the tin of peanuts and were having a party.
Martina: The Late Unlamented was NWM's paternal great-grandmother, and she was vile. She moved in with the family when NWM's father was but a baby. She blighted their lives so much, that the NWM's father and aunt were sent to boarding school to remove them from her malevolent presence. Somebody should have put a foot down and said "NO".
She referred to squirrels as "tree rats" and her mission (and she chose to accept it) was to trap and drown them. On the other hand, she found a dead rabbit once and decided to revive it by stuffing it down the side of her armchair, so she wasn't all bad. Fortunately it was the other side from the stolen scissors, so no nasty messy damage to the chair.
Sorry for the length of this, but you did ask.
Don't buy into the squirrel hype Clare. When your back is turned they'll go through your bins and sell your bank deatails to asylum seeking badgers.
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nwm, monkey mother, every day I love your family more and more... you're even worse/better than my odd lot.
in a nice way, obv.
My God that's a big fat squirrel - is it one of the famous crack adicted squirrels that I read about last year.
Three squirrels visit our garden for a game of mutual torment with our chickens, but they are young, fit, hard working squrrels. And not very noisy, because then the foxes would get them.
My dad's neighbor tried to breed squirrels and cats.
Cutest little squittens I've ever seen.
Damian and Mist, I want pictures, do you SEE?
Hello Pup - nice to see you. Are they perhaps Dual Functioned?
Luciana my dear - so dull, so awfully dull, in the flesh. Is the truth. MM's jolly funny though, mind.
Mikey - Badgers or squirrels? I think badgers.
Clare - if you ever stay in my house you will HATE THE SQUIRRELS. I am just saying.
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