Some time ago, I happened to be in the consulting room of a very ancient, very eminent and very kindly Professor of Psychology. Me: I just want to know the ANSWER. That's all.
Kindly Professor: My dear girl, for many thousands of years man has been trying to find "the answer". If Socrates and Plato couldn't work it out, I very much doubt that you can.
Me: Oh.
Since the dawn of socks, people have been trying to answer the question: "Why, when I wash a pair of socks, does one of them disappear?". Stand-up comedians, Pam Ayres, piss-poor columnists and everyone else, ever, make the same joke. "Ooh! Where do socks go? Are they eaten by the Sock Monster?".
The thing is, I don't find it funny in the slightest. I buy black socks with differently-coloured toes so I can match them up. I buy red socks, blue socks, green socks, orange socks, purple socks and pink socks (but not yellow socks; I hate yellow). I sacrifice my attachment to monochrome when it comes to Matters of Woollen or Cotton Footwear for the simple reason that I literally cannot fucking stand the fact that socks disappear, and I thought (erroneously, it now seems), that colours would help.
I'm not in the mood to make coy little jokes about the naughty Sock Monster that lives under my bed; I do not think that the squirrels come in at night and steal them to make Squirrel Duvets; I do not believe my cat eats them (it would explain his vast size, mind you); there are no Sock Pixies that come in through the water pipe that feeds my washing machine to steal one of a pair so they can watch me go mad. They just disappear. And it doesn't matter if I put them in a little sock washing bag (£2.99 from John Lewis), or clip them together, or slip them into special foot-shaped sock-binders (or any other number of twee-beyond-belief sock-washing accessories): they VANISH INTO THE ETHER.
I have a pile of socks on my bed. I have 23 socks missing their pair. Where are the other 23? What are they doing? Why are they tormenting me? I have bought ten new pairs of socks (£4.99 for 5 from H&M), in the last month but no - now I have only ten socks.
Strangely, the only reliable pair I have has monkeys on. I'd be very interested to know what Plato would have to say about that.
16 comments:
They spontaneously combust, especially the left foot ones. Scientists estimate that 5,967% of all carbon emissions are a result of this "daktylos effect".
People who leave their socks on in bed run a high risk of going up with the sock, burning at Gas Mark 9 so no trace is ever left.
It is belived that Lord Lucan was wearing knee length hand knitted woolen socks when he disappear. Lamb Chop was another famous victim.
Beware, clearly you are in the Bermuda Triangle of this knitted hell fire.
Sadly for you Monkey it has been noted that yellow socks are much less suceptible. Monkey patterns are also fairly safe, but never wear ones with pigs.
I'm preparing an entry on this very topic for Wikepedia :(
I have to inform you that apprentice is right about yellow being the least suceptible. Which, somewhere in the dark recesses of your brain, you probably already knew. Which then leads us all to believe that somehow you wanted this to happen. Like, maybe you were asking for it by the way you (didn't) dress.
You people. Why do you continually torment me? I hate yellow. It's wrong. And it makes me look like a jaundiced 80 year old sailor. Seriously.
Woot. Wear the yellow socks.
The less you like the sock the more you will tend to not lose it.
re: missing socks...two answers
1. static cling
2. Chat lunatic may be hoarding or hiding them from you.
Plato, man - good to hear from you. How's it hanging?
Anonymous - who is 'chat lunatic'? Have I missed something? And they have to cling somewhere if static cling is the answer; the question is, where?
Dude, go here and get THESE, they may help you.
I almost never wear socks for just this very reason.
If the link doesn't work, cut and paste the following:
http://www.flaxart.com/is-bin/INTERSHOP.enfinity/WFS/Flax-FlaxArt-Site/en_US/-/USD/ViewProductDetail-Start;pgid=PIEgM0ujXE0000YiF5_8pRpf0000LcQ5pMdH?CatalogCategoryID=&CatalogDisplayName=&EA_SerializedQueryUUID=xmbAqAoP3ksAAAENYxbC2M07&JumpTo=OfferList&ProductNo=0&ProductUUID=CZjAqAoPfB0AAAEL4RQ%2eWWT5&ResultCount=32
http://www.flaxart.com/is-bin/INTERSHOP.enfinity/WFS/Flax-FlaxArt-Site/en_US/-/USD/ViewProductDetail-Start;pgid=PIEgM0ujXE0000YiF5_8pRpf0000LcQ5pMdH?CatalogCategoryID=&CatalogDisplayName=&EA_SerializedQueryUUID=xmbAqAoP3ksAAAENYxbC2M07&JumpTo=OfferList&ProductNo=0&ProductUUID=CZjAqAoPfB0AAAEL4RQ%2eWWT5&ResultCount=32
Tracy! Do I LOOK like a crusty with a dog on a string? Do I LOOK like I live in a tree? Do I? You don't, so WHY are you wearing those socks? I walked up Glastonbury Tor once, but that doesn't count. Honestly.
I nicked him off of Google Images. I'm sorry. If he were mine I would give him to you, for he is Made Of Socks, and I HATE socks.
Ah, The Timeless Enigma of the Vanishing Chaussette. For ages and quite a bit of years, philosophers have been pondering the whys and wheretofores and neverthelesses and this ancient mystery, with the sole result being that their heads have gone all explodey. I, myself, Double Master of Sciences, have on occasion grappled with the TEotVC, with all the immense powers of rationalitism that a generous god (or reasonable facsimile) has bestowed upon moi. I have applied the Scientific Method, with much cogitation and gnashing of brains -however every time I end up hiding under my duvet, sucking my thumb while softly whimpering. The only clue that I've gathered is that the single vanishing sock is somehow associated with the single sneaker often noted by the roadside.
I don't know why you find this so difficult. Dispose of all odd socks. Chose a colour you like but, obviously, not yellow, which is the colour of Satan when applied to clothing, and probably not pink, as you will look as if you have two false legs. Throw away all socks not of your chosen colour. Now go and buy another two dozen pairs in that chosen colour. You might seem boring in the sock department, but you will be more tranquil in yourself as you will always have a matching pair of socks, providing you wear and wash them equal numbers of times (so some don't fade more than others).
I have no answer as to 'why?',
however to prevent this occurrence follow the v.sad top tip from 'bella' magazine - i forget the issue - you know the stringy bags that come with certain washing powder tablets? Place pairs of socks into these bags Prior to putting them in the washing machine. Miraculously this prevents the left sock vanishing into the ether at this stage. Sadly nothing on earth can prevent a sock hiding in the ironing pile if left for more than 1/2 minute.
Hope this helps.
Having considered everyone's responses, I am afraid that Monkeymother wins hands down, as her Plan involves Throwing Manky Old Things Away, and buying Bright Shiny New Ones.
Cmdr.Adama - do you iron your socks? Good tip though. I did try that but it didn't work, still. I don't know why. Pathetic, isn't it?
Dude, I didn't say that I wore those socks! PULEASE.
That being said, I do believe that MonkeyMother has the sanest idea. Well done, MM.
Tracy Lynn, wash your mouth out with soap and water. I know you are wearing them right now and taking photographs of your feet to email to your lover, in an attempt to tempt them over to your boudoir.
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