I think it might be time to do some work. I could get a job, but then I'd have to go to an office, go on public transport and be nice to idiots. I have, however, been considering my 'employment skill set' (as I believe 'Human Resources' people describe them), and have discovered that I may well be qualified to do the thing I've always wanted to do: be a Duchess.
My qualifications include:
1. Like patronising tourists
2. Comfortable charging people £35 to look at my bedroom
3. Keen to be called 'Your Grace' to my face
4. Know how to lay a table and write thank-you letters
5. Can assume demeanor of haughty froideur if crossed
6. Know that wearing diamonds in the morning is common
7. Able to consume 3 strong cocktails before dinner
8. Like horses and dogs
9. Like dusting
10. Like wearing robes
11. Know how to curtsey
12. Can make jam
13. Interested in rare breeds of chicken
14. Can say 'ears' instead of 'yes'
15. Don't mind sharing a bed with a stinking 12 year old labrador
16. Like having staff.
The Duchess of Devonshire is my heroine. Here she is with her rare chickens, smirking to herself because she's just made another £7,000,000 selling Duchess of Devonshire branded jam in her Chatsworth shop. In an interview with The Lady (required reading if you are to be a Duchess; where else does one get staff?), she talks of her relationship with the Duke. Now, I will need to find a Duke if I am to be a Duchess, but apparently, it doesn't matter if I don't like him: I won't be seeing much of him anyway. "My husband and I never ever meet at breakfast," she says emphatically. "I have my breakfast in my room at 5.3Oam. We practically lap each other. He goes to bed almost at the time when I am getting up." (I hope 'lap each other' doesn't mean what I think it does.)
If you're a Duke and you're reading this, do get in touch. I'm not doing much at the moment. And whatever you want to do with the labrador is absolutely fine with me.
11 comments:
Surely, no diamonds before 6 pm? You have failed the test and any eligible Duke will have gorn to find a more suitable gel. Best you get a job then.
My mother, in case anyone is wondering, is the Posh Totty in the family.
Oh, Yer Grace, might I be yer Head Butler? I butle quite well, if truth be told.
I have a funny feeling you may be a genius, Duchess...
How SPLENDID!
Cap'n, will you be my head butler? And thanks AWFULLY, WW.
xx
as I said, any eligible Duke .....
Aye, Yer Grace. I will butle at th'Head an' on th'Sea. I be good like that.
xoxo
Duch of the terrace never grew up
I hope she never will
Says she's an heiress, sits in her terrace
Says she's got time to kill,
Time to kill
Will you have an ice house in the grounds monkey, and a folly on the little island in the lake?
Will you have weekends at home so we can crunch up the drive in Hispano-Suizas and leave the gardener's boy to struggle up the steps with our portmanteaux while we join you for an Old Fashioned on the terrace?
Duchess, marries Duke. But how does one become a Marchioness?
I knew a bloke who went down on a Marchioness once...
Anonymous: To me you will ALWAYS be someone. I can almost smell the Cornish Ware.
Awfully good joke, infinitemuppets. Can I borrow it? (Marquis, since you ask, but I haven't checked Debrett today so I may be wrong.)
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